i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
