omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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