Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
