Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
