I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
