its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
