My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize