if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
