I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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