If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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