i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
