we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
