That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
