I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
