O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
