Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
