Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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