Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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