Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Randomize
