I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
