Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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