I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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