i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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