I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
