You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize