you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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