Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
