I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
