Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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