when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
