hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
