Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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