Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
