Just cropdusted the office
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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