They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
