"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
