ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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