mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
