i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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