Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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