i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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