i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
