worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize