I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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