Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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