holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
