i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
