Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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