If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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