woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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