Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
