i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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