My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
