I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
