Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
