Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize