my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
