Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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