this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
