The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
