the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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