I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
